09-01-05
I am keeping this page here so maybe I wont have to feel so lost and alone. Maybe if I put down my thought on here, then I wont have to say them, because god knows no-one wants to hear them!!!

Everytime I try to talk to Jim he gets pissed at me, I write him email or letters and he doesn't read them or he doesn't reply to them. He never replys to them even if I ask him a question in them.

08-31-05
8:00 p.m.

Now Feel Need To Feel
Lost Wanted
Lonely Needed
Scared Loved
Worried Romanced
Unsure Sure
Doubts Happiness


He has made others feel all the things on the "need to feel" side.
He writes sweet romantic letters to others.
He sent poems and cards to her.
WHY NOT ME?????
What is wrong with me?
Why can't he love me and want me?
Why can't he stop pushing his feelings aside and just feel?
He says the past is the past so why can't he leave it there and get past it?
He says he wants me here, why can't he act like it?
He says he loves me, why can't he act like it?
Why can't he give me what he gave others?
Why do I have to plead for what he willingly gave others and then I still not get it?
Why can't he tell me he loves me?
Why is admitting his feelings so hard when it comes to me?
Why can't he see how I feel?
Why can't he see the things I need so badly to feel?
Why can't he give to me like he did to others?
He said he si not whole unless I am here, so why can't he act happy to have me here?
He says he enjoys having me here but doesn't act like it!
He says he feels loved, why can't he try to make me feel that way?
Does he care about my feelings, wants, needs, hopes and dreams??


08-31-05
11 P.M.

My dearest James,
Please please read and reply to this email. I don't understand Jim, I am so confused, scared, and worried, and feel so very alone.

We can make this work, you know we can. As long as we love each other and show it, express it, and say it! As long as we make sure the other one knows, then it will not die and will be safe and secure.

Sometimes you give me this look and I can't help but wonder what is on your mind. Or you will give me one that makes me wonder "What did I do wrong now?"

You said you enjoy having me here, that you feel like something is missing when I am not here, that you love me. So please explain Jim, why you can't or won't act like it??
I know you do not want hurt and God knows know's I would not hurt you for anything!!!
We have both had so much hurt and pain, that we don't need anymore.
I have been hurt to, and am still being hurt today!!
But if I try to talk about it or say anything about it you will take it wrong or get mad and there goes another fight. So I try not to say anything!!!!
I know that I do and say a lot wrong and I do push, but I will try really hard not to push. But sometimes you make it hard not to push.

I feel like it hurts you to say you love me, and besides you will not look at me when you say it!
Well, I will not ask or expect for you to say it anymore. Since it is so hard for you to do then why bother??? I ask you not to say it unless you meant it and it is very clear that you don't mean it when you say it and don't want to say it, so why bother to say it???
But that is part of went wrong before!
We didn't say it or act it so the other one didn't feel it or believe it.
We didn't keep alive and growing!!!

You said that the poems and e-cards make you feel loved and I am so very glad about that, because that is how I want you to feel!!!! Because you are loved, loved very much!!!

Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to say I love you? Very hard, because I am scared to death of you not believing it, of you rejecting me, of you never saying it back to me and sounding like you mean it when you say it!! There are times I want to say it but can't because I am scared of no reply, of you rejecting me.

Do you think it is easy for me to write this? For writing all the letters and emails I have wrote to you???
No Jim, it is not easy for me! I am pouring my heart out to you and it would be so easy for you to reject me, for you to just laugh at me, or tell me to go away that you don't give a shit. Every time I open up to you I think of these things. And it scared me so bad.
You think it is easy for me to open up to you when you act like you could care less?
When you never reply to any of my letters or e-mails?
When you don't want to read them?
You think it is easy for me to send you those cards and poems, knowing that I will never get any in return???

I have seen the e-mails and poems you have sent other people. and sit here thinking: he can do that for other people why can't he do it for me?
He can do it for people that he has never meet, why can't he do it for me???
He can't do it for someone he has known for over 18 years, who he has had children with, who he says he loves and wants around, But he can do it for people he has never meet?
What's wrong with me???
Are they better people then me??
Do they deserve it and I don't?
What's wrong with me that he can't do these things for me?
Send these things to me??
Why can't he use terms of endearment with me?
Why can't he write me loving emails?
What is wrong with me????
Am I so bad or so unworthy??
Am I not good enough to get them??

Love,
Mary Mae Bond


God please tell me what is wrong with me! So I can fix it and deserve these things he give to others and not to me.
So I can get these things that I want and need so badly!!!
Tell me so I can be good enough to deserve those sweet loving words that other people have deserved!
Tell me so I can fix whatever it is that makes it so hard for him to show me how he feels
Tell me so I can earn the love and affection I so desparetly need from him!
Let me fix whatever it is that is so wrong and bad about me so we can be happy together.
I know we can be happy together if we can show each other our love.
If I do not know what is wrong with me I can not fix it!!!!

What I would give for him to show that he loves me.
For him to want to do stuff with me, without me asking him to.
For him to just want to spend time with ME and for him to enjoy that time!!!
What I would give for those emails and poems!
What I would give for those words of endearment, he has never called me "my baby", "my angle", "my love", "sweetheart", nothing like that!!!!
But I know I am not good enough for them and never have been and that's why he has never called me these things!
What I would give for him to think I am special and to really love me, that's all I have wanted since I was 15 years old.
I couldn't get it before why would I think I could get it now????

09-01-05
2:44 P.M.

I went to work, which someone didn't get me up for, then went to DHS. I have to get 2 different shops to look at my car and tell me how much it will cost to get it fixed before I can get papers turned into DHS and see if they will fix it.

I just typed all the above stuff in so that no one can see or find it!
I am not doing it no more, it hurts to bad every time I ask a question and don't get an answer.
He said he didn't tell me the whole truth about what was on the pillow because he knew it would upset me, well doesn't he think that knowing he kept stuff from me upsets me?
No it upsets me and really hurts!! That is not open or honest!!!
No I didn't like the idea of what he said was on it but I didn't like him lying about it either!!!
I would rather be hurt with the whole truth then by a lie or half truth!!!
And I can't even say anything to him about it, because if I do he will get all pissed off at me, and I didn't do anything wrong, why should he get pissed with me for something he did wrong? But he would be pissed with me!!!

I can not send the letter I wrote last night because he would get pissed about that! Seems like everything I say or do pisses him off!! Hell even what I think pisses him off.
Why can't he just try to understand what I am saying and not twist it around? If he twists it then I am the bad guy. If he didn't twist it then there would be NO bad guy. If he didn't twist it then he would understand what I am saying and would not have to stomp off mad.
Is he ever going to learn to listen and not just think the worst???
HE listens to other people and gives them the benefit of the doubt, why not me?? Doesn't everyone deserve at least that???
How can I let him see the new me if he won't open his eyes to see me??
How can we make this work if he won't try to listen before he gets mad?
So many times I have wanted to say something but have not because I know he will not answer and if I email it to him, he will just glance over it and not really read it and if he does then he wont reply so I would still be in the dark!
Why do I keep trying with emails and such?
Why can't I just give up?
Because stop you did that once and look at all the pain it got you!!!
Why can't he see that if he would just talk to me we could work all this shit out and have no problems?!?!
Doesn't he want for us to be together?
Doesn't he want for us to be happy together?
I do not know what to do or say to get throw to him!
I don't know how to make him believe me.
I have been so honest with him.
I have been trying so hard But I don't know what to do.
He doesn't want this to work because he is scared of getting hurt.
Well he as always been the strong one, why can't he be strong now?
I am the weak one, but yet I put my heart one the line every single day for him.
I take the chance of being hurt or rejected everyday because I love him enough to do it.
He won't believe me or in my love!
God that hurts more then anyone could ever know.
He said he loves me so is it to much to ask for him to give me the poems and sweet words he gave others?
Is it to much to ask for him to want to spend time with me like he wanted to spend time with others?
No they didn't hurt him, but they also didn't love him like I did and do.
They never fought for him like I have. They didn't care enough for him to do that, I did and do!!!!
They didn't move 100 miles away from their family for him.
They didn't give him children.
They didn't go thru hell and back for him like I did.
They never hurt him because he never rejected them like he did me.
He didn't ignore them like he ignore me.
He didn't take everyone else's side over theirs like he did to me.
I am taking a chance of getting all the same old pain and hurt again, and I am doing it because I know we can do this, I know we can be together and be happy and feel loved, if he just puts the past to rest!!!
He says the past is in the past, why does he use it to hold back? If it is there leave it there, and if it isn't then deal with it and put it there!!!
I ask him if he enjoys our visits when I go see him at night, because I enjoy them so much and what do I get?? "i guess"
Does that mean he doesn't enjoy them.
He wishes I wouldn't come by?
What?? I have no clue!!
Should I go to his work to visit him or not?
Does he like for me to or not???
Damn it I can't read his mind and he won't tell me anything.
How long can I go on like this?
How long before I really go over the edge??
Feeling rejected, unwanted and unneeded all the time really sucks.
Why can't he make me feel like he wants, needs and loves me??
If it is that hard for him to do then why are we trying?
If he loves me like he says he does then it should not be hard.
If he would stop closing himself off to me then it wouldn't be hard for him to show me these things.
He is the strong one but I am the one taking all the pain and rejection!!!
Explain that one.
And I am not trying to talk to him no more it does no good, because he doesn't want to talk to me or try to fix the problems so we can be happy, because as always I am not good enough or worth the effort!!!

9-01-05
5:30 p.m.

I checked the mail and came back in to wake Jim up but he was already in the bathroom, so I drank a cup of coffee and went to get the girls from school. On the way back here I took Torie to get her photos from Walgreen's, then came home, fixed supper and now I am in the bedroom writing this!!

I will stay out of his way when he is home. So then he doesn't have to deal with me, or talk to me for that matter.
He ask me what was wrong and I told him nothing, like he gives a shit what is wrong, he is just worried that he did something wrong and I am going to tell him about it!! That's the only reason he ask what is wrong, he doesn't give a shit!!! He said I act like I am upset or mad, well I am not! I am just staying out of his way so he doesn't have to talk to me! Not like he wants to talk to me anyways!!!! Like he gives a damn if something is wrong or not? He cant even cuddle when he comes home in the morning, he stays over on his side of the bed like I bite or something!!!

Damn it!! Why does it hurt so much to know he hasn't gotten his email cards yet? Yeah right, it really makes him feel loved, that's why they have been sitting in his mail box for 5 days now!! That's why he hasn't clicked the link to go get them!!
Why does it hurt so much to know that he doesn't read my mail or letters? Why doesn't he just tell me not to write them? That he doesn't want me writing them or sending them, it wouldn't be that hard to do, just say stop. But no he would rather I write them and him not read them!!!

I wish I had taken the pills then I would not have to deal with this pain, this loneliness.

And Misti, why does he have to look at it that way? Why does he have to see everything I do in a bad way??
Why cant he see that it was to help him, to give him a friend to talk to, to help him think. Just to give him someone to talk to and help him understand me a little better. But no since it is something to do with me, its bad. Heaven forbid he think I would do something to help someone, that something I did was for someone else! Or for good!!

Cant he see any good in me??? Isn't there one thing good about me?? Must not be since even if i do something to help someone I am still wrong and trying to "trick". He cant see that I did it for him, no i can only do stuff to hurt people, that's why I did it. Whatever!! The only reason it is bothering him is because it was "ME", and he doesn't want to talk to me!
He says he can't talk to me, but how the hell does he know when he wont even try to? How can you know if you can do something without trying to do it??? He would have to try to before he knows if he can or not wouldn't he???

I know he said something to Penne, why else would she think he is being muniplated? He said something for her to think it!!

Why cant I be on his checking account? If we are going to be together then why have two different accounts?? I know why, because he doesn't trust me to not blow his money and he doesn't want me to know how much money he has in his account. And I think he likes me having to ask for money, he knows how degrading that is for me, and I think he likes it!!!
Well he can have his damn account all to himself, see if I freaken care! He can do all the bills, shopping and everything else, and when the girls have to start paying for their lunch he can remember to pay for that all the damn time!!!
Go ahead and make me feel like the only reason I am here is to take care of the girls and do the cooking and cleaning! I am use to that by now!!!! He sure the hell doesn't want to spend any time with me or do anything with me!!!

It hurts so much to know that he wanted to spend time with her and to do stuff with her. he took her to play pool and god knows what else. When has he taken me to do anything like that in the last 10 year?
When does he ever spend time with me?
Nope, not with me, all I hear is he works so he is tired!
Any excuse to not spend time with me or do something with me!!

God it hurts so much to know that he wanted her and he doesn't want me!!
He lied to me about her and for her! How can we make this work if he lies to me when it comes to her??
He wanted to make love to her but doesn't want to make love to me! With me it is just SEX, and really he doesn't even want that! I have told him 2 different times that I am not ragging no more, but does he come near me?? HELL NO!!! That says more then enough.

I laid here totally naked and he turned around and walked out of the room. You would have to be stupid not to understand that message, and I may be dumb but I am not stupid!!
I walked in front of him and stood in front of him with just panties and a bra on and he didn't even bat an eye!!
Now does that tell you something or not?? He doesn't even want sex with me you don't have to be smart to figure that one out!!!

Why the hell am I here?? He doesn't want me in anyway shape or form so why I am here? He doesn't even want sex with me, heaven forbid he would want to make love to me!!!

So I can be sad?
Be lonely and alone?
so I can feel unloved and unwanted?
Cant he see that I really want this to work? If I didn't why would I still be here? Why would I put up with feeling sad, alone, afraid, and put up with this pain? Who would put up with this unless they really wanted to be with someone and really wanted it to work and really loved them???
well he is getting ready for work.
Maybe I will do some cleaning after he leaves, if i do i will most likely do it wrong!!!

Mary